The Disconnect

I crash landed, flying with no navigator.
Pulled back my goggles,
To the bleak sand

My boots left marks, as I marched through the desert.
Searching for help
To mend what was crashed.

A copilot or navigator
To aid in flight
I could teach them
I knew how

For years I had looked
Over manuals and memorized.
Took care to learn
To instruct

What good is knowledge,
with no friend to tell?
Sun cooked I
Began to crawl

Until I found her
Excited to see a person
I sat back, squinted up
To see her outstretched hand

My thought was help
The gesture to help me stand

But as my blurred eyes focused
I saw the list.

*2 rings I can be proud of.
*Monthly clothes shopping.
*An outfit for every occasion.
*A cute house.
*A movie night weekly.
*No complaining when I like actors more than my pilot.
*A consistent upgrade in lifestyle.
*Retirement savings.
*Always hold the door.
*A predictable daily schedule.
*The wedding I already planned regardless of who you are.

Discouraged I handed the list back.
"Sorry, Princess" I said.
"I don't know who you’re looking for,
But do you know where I can find a mechanic?"

She didn't answer.
She was already walking away.

something to understand later

Had a strange night last night. I will spare you how I got there, but I ended up spending most of the evening driving with an old stranger. He was talking with a slight stutter when he got in my car. A pair of long john bottoms was wrapped around his neck for warmth, an old Orioles baseball cap on his head and fingers as thick as my thumb stuck out the bottom of his white coat.
I drove to Sears. While purchasing a car battery he plugged in his cell phone charger to a wall socket for all of 2 minutes. He stammered about how his son had written him a 22 page letter and how much good it had done his heart.
We didn’t find his car, I am not sure it was even there. Soon we were driving back toward where I live and he was talking on and on about his family. His eyebrows twitched and he sniffled occasionally as he changed the topic from his beloved son to his frightening wife.
“She hit me right in the spine! Knocked me down and got the kids to beat on me. That’s no Christian thing to do,” He repeated.
It got worse from there. He ignored anything I said to stop him talking about his terrible wife, until he drifted to sleep in the middle of his rant. It was really quiet, just the hum of highway 70 and him breathing into the long johns as his head slumped.
When he awoke he told such terrible stories about his family that I wanted to cry right there in front of him, but my tear ducts don’t work. His monologue spanned most of the 2 hour car ride and I was not surprised when the ever-changing directions finally led to a homeless shelter. The people there were friendly even the guy who was strung out and jittering was nice. I got lost in the hallway trying to find my way back out to my car. When I finally started the engine and the drive for home, I thought about how unimportant and powerless I am in myself. A car ride was all I could give him, I couldn’t help his wife, or his kids, or his mind. I will have to leave it to God to help Bob.

I can't believe we still have fans

VIDEO CLIP

A poem about Juarez

My dreaming (a poem about Juarez, which i really do dream about)

Dumpster diving
with dead leaf hands
Alley ways
and new homeless friends

extend and greet
those I don't know
boulder knuckles
contained in hand shakes

They wonder how
my eyes are so bright
I still stare at
skin so even dark

dried up under feet
a river so low
people shuffle
cars rumble

mountain viewing
all of the days
and in come the nights
driving broken streets

Lost a good friend

A very good friend of mine died Tuesday morning. I spent a decent amount of my recent vacation in Mexico with him. His name is Oscar.

I have lost people before, but it's still such an odd feeling, as if I am trying to stand up and I am sure that I can, but each time I fall because my legs refuse to help. It's an odd vacancy.

It's also a happy thing. He is in paradise with Jesus; what could be better? I am sure he is happy to be free from anemia, blood pressure problems,relational problems, and as well he has what he told me he was looking for the most. He is with God.

We spent many late nights praying for each other. I will miss that exceptionally, until I meet him again.

Here is a song I sang the other night at our show, I had no idea how relevant it was going to be.

These are the lyrics and below is the video clip.

I recognized
Why I got so sad
in reading photographs

Even when it's smiles and laughs

I misunderstood the very nature of this place
I thought of this as home,but it's not

Then suddenly
my house looked foreign to me

things I once clung to
no longer holding me

and even my life
seemed so much more willing to be spent

I thought of this as home,
but it's not.

Video - I thought of this as home

attention pertinent info for Seattle friends

I emailed Nina (our Seattle magician) and looks like I am coming to Seattle sometime in the near future.

Nina, Mrs. Boe (&Mr. B ((funny guy))), Shilo (of the limerlost), Jason, Natalie, Pebbles, and all yall better get yo selves prepared. I hope to arrive and have many tricks played on me. We shall look at the trip as a contest to see who can play the most tricks on each other. ME verse all yall!!!!!!!!

Also we are looking at playing a house show out there. I can’t wait!

As well I have been praying for you all in Seattle so that has built my expectation to see you guys.


PS oh yeah I will have some videos of our last acoustic show up really soon on here.

4 immediately pressing issues (psyche)

1.)
Just got back from a birthday party for my friends Mike and Mike. I am their guitar teacher. Tripod went with me (a stuffed animal I birthed from sewing together the parts of other stuffed animals).

In the kitchen I was enjoying a conversation with Mike’s older sisters, when I heard people playing music in the next room. They were singing to God. Mike and Mike were leading the singing with guitars. It is very good to see people helping other people with what you taught them to do.

2.)
And…I finished the recording of my bands EP today. The last guitar track for “Would that You Were” (one of my favorite songs and Grace and Jesse and Tom like it as well) was done about 5 this afternoon. Here are the lyrics

And you find yourself
There on a couch again

Actions never expressed
You only thought about them

A second of misdirection
Multiplies
You get paralyzed

I have done the same
Don’t repeat, it’s no good!

Second born we can still change.
Would that you were,
More than just kind of warm.

All of us the same predicament
Dealing with affluence

A second of misdirection
Multiplies
You get paralyzed

I have done the same
Don’t repeat, it’s no good!



3.)
Also…DDR does not stand for dance dance revolution! It has, does and always will stand for Dungeons and Dragons (which I have never played) If you think it’s dance dance revolution, then dial this number immediately

1-800-iamtremendouslydeceivedanddeservetobeflatdropkicked


4.)
Eddie Murphy is Richard Pryor on meth.

It lodges in your brains

Band Practice went well last night with the band. It was difficult to sing again. I always have trouble singing when I come back from Mexico.

We practiced a new song we wrote to focus our overall message during our live shows. Here are the lyrics.

I saw
I saw him dying in his love (repeat 8x)

I will do my best
Not to forget
To remind you
That he died
So we don’t have to.


That’s the whole song. It comes across as a fist to the jaw in the rain so a bunch of rain slings off your hair when your head swings. At only 3 min. long the intro stanza which is repeated 8 times is done in a way that is almost like a mantra. It stampedes and builds and jumps and lodges in your brains.

I hope some of you all will be there on the 13th to hear it.

Say hi if you come to the show,
Ryan
www.stonesoverturned.com (another band we are friends with, Brothers in Rock)

A reason to write

I have insomnia again. Sitting in the one heated room of my trailer, my little space heaters are humming. I'll stop being an arrogant sissy and get out a pad and pen.

I struggled with the idea of blogging, with thinking I am above it, and with being afraid of posting anything honest.

However something that happend on my recent trip to Mexico convinced me blogging could be good. I was sitting on the floor of a church bathroom at 2am, telling my friend Ryan (another Ryan, not me) about my confusion, my fumbling of life, my stupidity, my trusting God, and all kinds of not-so-impressive stuff. Still somehow, he seemed to be helped by knowing how I am stumbling through stuff and what God has been up to with me. Well, if that can help other people then OK.

I used to keep a diary, thinking "Someday people will read this and my life will inspire them to live better." well...that illusion got gunned down in the street a while ago. I don't keep a diary anymore.

I don't want this to be the same thing. I would rather write as a fellow clutz of life (cuz I know that none of us really has our stuff together).

Besides this is a blog not a diary and I am a boy not a girl who reads Jane Austin. So This blog will be about things I have recently screwed up, about my bands mission (to tell people why Jesus died), about things that make me puke from laughter, and about other stuffings that i pulled out of the butt of a Turkey.

Also, if you are one of my out-of-town friends I hope this will help you know wsup. Luv you guys. To the death!

till soon,
Ryan
www.desiringgod.org
www.purevolume.com/anapra just two websites to gawk at.